Movie Review: Punisher: War Zone – 2008

May 17, 2009 at 7:08 PM (Movie Reviews)

When I am able to watch a movie, I will do my best to give you my thoughts on it.  I expect you to listen to what I say unquestioningly!  Just kidding, I understand that my taste in movies certainly branches off the path of the “norm”.  Gosh knows there are movies that I love that major critics have panned and vice versa.  Now that I’ve given you the proverbial grain of salt, please read on and enjoy!

***

I’ve decided that I have an unhealthy obsession with movies that I know will be bad.  These aren’t movies that I’m willing to take a chance on the off chance they might be good.  No, these are movies that I know will be really, really bad with few or no redeemable qualities at all.  Punisher: War Zone is one of these movies.

I’m definitely a comic book fan despite the fact that I haven’t bought one since I was maybe 14 or 15.  When a comic book movie comes out, I feel compelled to watch it.  Until a number of recent blockbuster comic book movies began to be released, I knew I was in for a campy mess from the beginning of the movie until the end.  I was cool with that, though.  I revelled in it, even.  I don’t feel ashamed admitting that I’m not much of a Punisher fan and don’t know a ton of the storyline that sets up this movie, but after watching this movie, I realize it isn’t necessary.

This movie was terrible.  I won’t even mention the names of the actors and the roles they played for fear of tainting their careers even further.  I hope these folks collected their paychecks and then went home and cried.  For weeks.  If Punisher: War Zone was a candy bar, it’d be made of out fresh feces, broken glass, a used band-aid, and toenail clippings with maggots thrown in for flavor.  If it was underwear, it’d be a pair with a stretched out waistband and holes in all the wrong places, and when you wore them you’d be in a constant state of wedgie.  If it were a car, it’d be a Yugo with no engine, 3 wheels, and an elementary school honor roll bumper sticker.  I could go on and on.

But as far as information for a real movie review is concerned, here’s the scoop.  The acting is bad; really, really, unfathomably bad.  The action is so over the top and unbelievable that it makes one wonder if it was being shot in The Matrix.  The accents, oh my gosh, the accents.  Every frickin’ person has some sort of weird accent.  That’s cool if you have an international meeting of some sort, but this isn’t the case.  Everyone speaks with some weird accent and they do it for no apparent reason.  There are large guns involved, so I guess it is possible to find a positive if you are looking really hard.  The story is exceptionally weak and pulls out every cliche relating to a vigilante hero that you can think of and then goes so far as to use a few more.

In the end, I would recommend this movie to people that I don’t like who need to be kicked in the balls, and only if you are for some reason incapable of actually kicking them in said balls.

Rating: 0.0/5

-Ben

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